7/24/09

So last night I had a couple crazy dreams. But the only one that really sticks in my head is about an S&M party and a gay who has a large barbell piercing through his scrotum and testicles. He seemed to enjoy it, but at that point in the dream I woke up because I couldn't believe it.

Yesterday I also decided to cut the cords to 3 men I have allowed access to my life that slowly started to become a poison to me in their own way.

The first I allowed in many many months ago. The only problem is our timing has always been off, he has never been sure about me, and it has become this push me/pull you type of scenario and I can't really keep up. It isn't good for me to want someone and then not have them. The other thing is that he is only out to part of his family and the rest don't know. So I could never fully have him.

The Second guy I met back in April and that just had toxic written all over it. I was pulled to him for some odd reason only to have the situation turn my world upside down. He went from being someone very sweet to someone frigid and cold. He calls us friends yet I haven't seen him in over a month and the only time I hear from him is when he needs something.

The Third guy is a very sweet guy with good intentions and honestly I feel like all he really wants is to be loved. To have someone he can trust and be with. The only thing is, is that when I explained to him and spoke to him about where I was with my emotional situation and various things, he listened for the moment. But now that things didn't work out he takes everything I say (that isn't even directed at him or the situation between the two of us) and misconstrues it and has tried many times to blame me and state that I used him and he was a rebound.

I don't need someone in my life to make me feel bad about my life. I can do that on my own. I don't use people. I explain to people my situation and if they choose to proceed with or without caution, that is their decision. So based off of THEIR decision whatever happens is not my fault. It is a result of their interaction.

After releasing these three people I feel a sense of relief. I feel like I can finally continue living and it's a very blissful feeling. I know that all three of them have good intentions and are good people, they just have certain wants and certain obstacles they are working through. I wish nothing but the best for them and that they find what they are looking for.